


seas could turn to stone

by aroceu



Category: Block B
Genre: Character Study, Depression, Gen, Lowercase
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-27
Updated: 2012-12-27
Packaged: 2017-11-22 15:29:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/611337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aroceu/pseuds/aroceu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>the thing about being in block b is that he knows what's going on. he knows what's going to happen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	seas could turn to stone

he thought that maybe here he could be happy.  
  
he thought that he could make something out of himself.  
  
*  
  
two days have passed.  
  
*  
  
he thinks about the girls he used to be with.  
  
there haven't been too many--he remembers high school. he does remember girls looking at him, whispering to each other, asking him out--him declining. the thing about relationships is that once you get into them, you really get into them--you start spiraling deep, deep downwards, until you see nothing but white and red.  
  
his first girlfriend had been when he was in his first year of high school, and she had straight long black hair and the widest smile.  
  
she never kissed him.  
  
*  
  
the thing about being in block b is that he knows what's going on. he knows what's going to happen.  
  
_interview, then photoshoot, a break in the afternoon and i'll probably sleep, dinner, sleep again for another ten hours, wake up. repeat._  
  
and, well. he's not complaining. hyung had been helping him all this time, and the boys--they're all right. he can handle them. sometimes jaehyo hugs him and zico rubs his shoulders when yukwon's feeling lonely.  
  
he can deal with this.  
  
*  
  
yukwon's always thought himself of a romantic, like a cloud in the sky that doesn't belong there, not yet. maybe one day.  
  
the girl that had taken his first kiss had been two years his senior, and he'd been in his second year of high school. she hadn't even liked him, just pulled him outside during a party and kissed him under the moon, and he, though surprised, had kissed her back.  
  
she hadn't remembered the next day.  
  
*  
  
when yukwon's alone he smiles to himself, pretends that--well, not even pretending, because he  _is_  in his own world. not many other people understand, even though minhyuk likes to talk to him and believe that he's his friend.  
  
but yukwon's alone in the world, after all.  
  
his hyung calls him sometimes, and yukwon is eager to answer. his hyung cares for him. he knows.  
  
_did you eat well today?_  his hyung would ask, and yukwon would laugh because what a question.  
  
_yeah, sure,_  he'd say, and his mouth would feel a little too big.  _and you and mom?_  
  
_we're pretty okay,_  his brother would say back, and then,  _go out and make us proud._  
  
he tries.  
  
*  
  
sometimes yukwon thinks of the girl that he'll be with. that he'd like to be with.  
  
_she'd have straight hair that fell to her shoulders and big eyes and would be his height. he'd hold her and put his arms around her and kiss her and she would kiss back._  
  
girls he thinks about, like his middle school crush or his fifth grade teacher.  _oh, if only,_  the memories would say, and yukwon would remind himself that they are memories.  
  
and he kind of wants someone, but--he doesn't know what he wants, actually. if, such a girl were to come by, would he be able to fall for her. would he be able to fall for anyone. he questions his own emotions sometimes.  
  
*  
  
\--the thailand issue happens all too soon.  
  
they'd just started promoting their first album, third single, and--what? zico's locked himself in their room and taeil won't come out from under the covers and minhyuk and jihoon have curled themselves up, red rings around their eyes when they come out during mealtimes.  
  
yukwon tries his best not to cry.  
  
_it'll be okay,_  jaehyo says when it's only him and yukwon and kyung at dinner one evening.  _all groups go like scandals like this. it's part of who we are._  
  
_yeah, making a stupid fucking mistake,_  kyung says bitterly, and then he slams his chopsticks down and gets up from the table.  
  
jaehyo looks at yukwon and yukwon shrugs. wishes he knew how to feel.  
  
*  
  
(he remembers that kyung had been the other part, knows that kyung--kyung blames himself for entirely too much sometimes.)  
  
*  
  
zico won't come out even though the others have.  
  
three weeks later he comes home with a shaved head.  
  
jaehyo drops his noodles and yukwon almost falls off the couch.  
  
*  
  
but he actually doesn't care, doesn't care about--this because, yeah. they made a mistake.  _they._  but it's not yukwon, doesn't have anything to do with yukwon--  
  
_group meeting,_  says minhyuk, poking his head into the bedroom.  
  
_i'm okay,_  says yukwon, staring at nothing on his computer.  
  
minhyuk lingers by the doorway.  _you know, 'group meeting' is the code word for saying 'group hug', right?_  
  
yukwon sighs, because, yeah. they are another group. and the other groups have something special, something called a bond, and, well. that's not block b. that's not yukwon, at least, and that's not block b to yukwon.  
  
_i'm fine,_  says yukwon, and minhyuk leaves the room.  
  
*  
  
seconds later he has the other boys with him.  
  
_w-what,_  yukwon starts, and minhyuk says,  _we can't have the group hug without the whole group._  
  
_what are you talking about,_  says yukwon bitterly. suddenly something heavy is weighing on his chest, making his eyes feel too heavy.  
  
_c'mon,_  says kyung, and yukwon can see his bright smile, can see--is it even real? yukwon doesn't know if it's real.  
  
_it's something we all need,_  says zico.  
  
yukwon sees his shaved head and thinks  _whoa_  again, because zico--he's their leader and he's so young but he's their leader and yukwon doesn't think, doesn't think he can be anything like him. zico looks at him and yukwon can see the ages of crying behind his eyes, crying behind taeil's and jihoon's and minhyuk's eyes too. jaehyo doesn't look like he's cried too much but he's biting his bottom lip and he's the one who has his arm outstretched to yukwon.  
  
_okay,_  says yukwon, and they all wrap around him until they're a tangle of arms and yukwon can feel their closeness, their warmth, and wishes he were a part of it.  
  
*  
  
when yukwon was younger, before high school and middle school and fifth grade, he remembers looking at the boys on the playground and wishing that he were one of them, could fit, could--be somewhere and feel at home.  
  
he's still not sure if he's found it yet.


End file.
